An older gentleman had an appointment to see the urologist who shared an office with several other
doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients.

As he approached the receptionist desk, the receptionist was a large unfriendly woman who looked
like a Sumo wrestler.

He gave her his name.

In a very loud voice, the receptionist said, "YES, I HAVE YOUR NAME HERE; YOU WANT TO SEE THE DOCTOR ABOUT
IMPOTENCE, RIGHT?"

All the patients in the waiting room snapped their heads around to look at the very embarrassed man.

He recovered quickly, and in an equally loud voice replied, "NO, I'VE COME TO INQUIRE ABOUT A SEX CHANGE
OPERATION, BUT I DON'T WANT THE SAME DOCTOR THAT DID YOURS."

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a
conference.

At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched
as the three engineers bought only one ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an
accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective
seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and
closed the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting
tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please".

The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket
in hand.

The conductor took it and moved on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea. So,
after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on
the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all
that).

When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the
return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all.

'How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed
accountant.

"Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a
restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby.

The train departed.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked
over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

The check's in the mail.
I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
I thought I already gave you that money I owed you.
I promise I'll pay you back next Friday.
I've never been this drunk before.
I'll never get this drunk again.
I've checked this Email out, and it's really not a hoax.
Now we're even.
I'm fine.
We found and fixed the last bug!
The software will ship on schedule.
It was as simple as that.
It's all your fault!
I love you
You don't need to use a condom; I'm on the Pill.
I don't need to use a condom; I've had a vasectomy and tested negative for STDs.
A representative of the government says...
We'll have the repairs on your car done by noon.
Operator, my calling card number is...
You look like you haven't aged a day.
No, I don't think that outfit makes you look fat.
This is what it will cost to repair your car.
If elected, I promise...
You're going to love working here.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Nine out of ten people surveyed said...
Please hold, and a customer service representative will be with you shortly.
I'll only take a minute of your time.
Our cellular phones will give you more freedom...
100% compatible with your existing equipment.
!!Make Money Fast!!
Lose all the weight you want!
I'm being totally unbiased.
I promise I'll pull out in time.
With all due respect...
For your convenience...
In order to serve you better...
I'm planning to get a divorce so I can marry you.
I'll call you.
I never meant to mislead you.
My wife (husband) is okay with me seeing other people; s/he just doesn't want to know about it.
I'm not leaving you for him/her; I just need some space to think things through.
This will only hurt a little.
This will hurt me more than it does you.
I'm doing this for your own good.
It's only for a little while...
I didn't mean any harm.
Oh well, no harm done...
It was an accident.
I didn't do it.
I don't know who did it.
We are experiencing a peak level of call volume...
Free Adult XXX Web Site!!!
No obligation!
You may already be a winner!
This product was made in an environmentally friendly manner.
I know it's none of my business...
I'm not trying to tell you what to do, but...
This should be easy.
To speak to a representative, press "9".
It's nothing personal.
This isn't partisan politics; it's for the good of the country.
I'm not addicted; I can quit smoking any time I want.
New and Improved!
Trust me.
That was special.

The word "queue" is the only word in the English language that is still pronounced the same way when the last four letters are removed.

Beetles taste like apples, wasps like pine nuts, and worms like fried bacon.

Of all the words in the English language, the word 'set' has the most definitions!

What is called a "French kiss" in the English speaking world is known as an "English kiss" in France.

"Almost" is the longest word in the English language with all the letters in alphabetical order.

"Rhythm" is the longest English word without a vowel.

In 1386, a pig in France was executed by public hanging for the murder of a child

A cockroach can live several weeks with its head cut off!

Human thigh bones are stronger than concrete.

You can't kill yourself by holding your breath

There is a city called Rome on every continent.

It's against the law to have a pet dog in Iceland!

Your heart beats over 100,000 times a day!

Horatio Nelson, one of England's most illustrious admirals was throughout his life, never able to find a cure for his sea-sickness.

The skeleton of Jeremy Bentham is present at all important meetings of the University of London

Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people

Your ribs move about 5 million times a year, everytime you breathe!

The elephant is the only mammal that can't jump!

One quarter of the bones in your body, are in your feet!

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different!

The first known transfusion of blood was performed as early as 1667, when Jean-Baptiste, transfused two pints of blood from a sheep to a young man

Fingernails grow nearly 4 times faster than toenails!

Most dust particles in your house are made from dead skin!

The present population of 5 billion plus people of the world is predicted to become 15 billion by 2080.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Adolf Hitler was a vegetarian, and had only ONE testicle

Honey is the only food that does not spoil. Honey found in the tombs of Egyptian pharaohs has been tasted by archaeologists and found edible.

Months that begin on a Sunday will always have a "Friday the 13th."

Coca-Cola would be green if colouring weren’t added to it.

On average a hedgehog's heart beats 300 times a minute.

More people are killed each year from bees than from snakes.

The average lead pencil will draw a line 35 miles long or write approximately 50,000 English words.

More people are allergic to cow's milk than any other food.

Camels have three eyelids to protect themselves from blowing sand.

The placement of a donkey's eyes in its' heads enables it to see all four feet at all times!

The six official languages of the United Nations are: English, French, Arabic, Chinese, Russian and Spanish.

Earth is the only planet not named after a god.

It's against the law to burp, or sneeze in a church in Nebraska, USA.

You're born with 300 bones, but by the time you become an adult, you only have 206.

Some worms will eat themselves if they can't find any food!

Dolphins sleep with one eye open!

It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open

The worlds oldest piece of chewing gum is 9000 years old!

The longest recorded flight of a chicken is 13 seconds

Queen Elizabeth I regarded herself as a paragon of cleanliness. She declared that she bathed once every three months, whether she needed it or not

Slugs have 4 noses.

Owls are the only birds who can see the colour blue.

A man named Charles Osborne had the hiccups for 69 years!

A giraffe can clean its ears with its 21-inch tongue!

The average person laughs 10 times a day!

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :
Long term, team players needed, for challenging, permanent work in an
often chaotic environment.
Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call.
Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities!
Travel expenses not reimbursed.
Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :
The rest of your life.
Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $100.00 or more.
Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly.
Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 kph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf.
Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers.
Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects.
Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks.
Must be a willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next.
Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices.
Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst.
Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product.
Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :
None.
Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :
None required unfortunately.
On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :
Get this! You pay them!
Offering frequent raises and bonuses.
A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that passing matric will help them become financially independent.
When you die, you give them whatever is left.
The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :
While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

EMPLOYEE'S LINGO

"I'M EXTREMELY ADEPT AT ALL MANNER OF OFFICE ORGANIZATION:"
I've used Microsoft Office.

"I'M HONEST, HARD-WORKING AND DEPENDABLE"
I pilfer office supplies.

"MY PERTINENT WORK EXPERIENCE INCLUDES"
I hope you don't ask me about all the McJobs I've had.

"I TAKE PRIDE IN MY WORK"
I blame others for my mistakes.

"I'M PERSONABLE"
I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.

"I'M EXTREMELY PROFESSIONAL"
I carry a Day-Timer.

"I AM ADAPTABLE"
I've changed jobs a lot.

"I AM ON THE GO"
I'm never at my desk.

"I'M HIGHLY MOTIVATED TO SUCCEED"
The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there

Charles Dickens slept facing North. He thought it improved his writing.

A golden razor removed from King Tut’s Tomb was still sharp enough to be used.

The house where Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence was replaced with a hamburger stand.

There was a person that paid $14,000 for the bra Marilyn Monroe wore in Some Like It Hot.

The first American to have indoor plumbing was Henry Wadsworth Longfellow in 1840.

Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant “plenty of excrement.”

Dr. Seuss pronounced his name so that it rhymed with “rejoice.”

Astronauts Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin ate roasted turkey from foil packets as their first meal on the moon.

Pamela Anderson is Canada’s Centennial Baby, being the first baby born on the centennial anniversiary of Canada’s independence.

The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

Mary Todd Lincoln claimed she was haunted during her life, and sewed money into clothes to foil the invisible thieves.

Lee Harvey Oswald’s cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.

Samuel Colt, the famous gun maker, paid the equivalent of $400,000 in today’s money for his wife’s wedding dress and accessories.

David Prouse (the man inside the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars) spoke all of his lines in the first movie. He did not know that his voice was being dubbed over with that of James Earl Jones until he saw the finished movie.

Vincent Van Gogh once sliced off his ear and another time swallowed his own paint.

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done "I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alec what he had done?

"I read a book," he replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said "What book did you read?"

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT!"

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in
bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him
sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he
wiped a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.
What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are
you down here at this time of night?" The husband looks up from is coffee, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly. The wife is touched
to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes I do," she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car making love?""Yes, I remember," said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him. The husband continued. "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'" "I remember that too" she replied softly. He wiped
another tear from his cheek and said......"I would have gotten out today.

The following list of phrases and their definitions might help you understand
the fuzzy language of science and medicine. These special phrases are also
applicable to anyone reading a PhD dissertation or academic paper.

"IT HAS LONG BEEN KNOWN"...
I didn't look up the original reference.

"A DEFINITE TREND IS EVIDENT"...
These data are practically meaningless.

"WHILE IT HAS NOT BEEN POSSIBLE TO PROVIDE DEFINITE ANSWERS
TO THE QUESTIONS"... An unsuccessful experiment but I still hope to
get
it published.

"THREE OF THE SAMPLES WERE CHOSEN FOR DETAILED STUDY"...
The other results didn't make any sense.

"TYPICAL RESULTS ARE SHOWN"...
This is the prettiest graph.

"THESE RESULTS WILL BE IN A SUBSEQUENT REPORT"...
I might get around to this sometime, if pushed/funded.

"IN MY EXPERIENCE"...
Once.

"IN CASE AFTER CASE"...
Twice.

"IN A SERIES OF CASES"...
Thrice.

"IT IS BELIEVED THAT"...
I think.

"IT IS GENERALLY BELIEVED THAT"...
A couple of others think so, too.

"CORRECT WITHIN AN ORDER OF MAGNITUDE" ...
Wrong. Wrong. Wrong.

"ACCORDING TO STATISTICAL ANALYSIS"...
Rumor has it.

"A STATISTICALLY-ORIENTED PROJECTION OF THE SIGNIFICANCE
OF THESE FINDINGS"...
A really wild guess.

"A CAREFUL ANALYSIS OF OBTAINABLE DATA"...
Three pages of notes were obliterated when I knocked over a beer
glass.

"IT IS CLEAR THAT MUCH ADDITIONAL WORK WILL BE REQUIRED
BEFORE A COMPLETE UNDERSTANDING OF THIS PHENOMENON OCCURS"...
I don't understand it....and I never will.

"AFTER ADDITIONAL STUDY BY MY COLLEAGUES"...
They don't understand it either.

"A HIGHLY SIGNIFICANT AREA FOR EXPLORATORY STUDY"...
A totally useless topic selected by my committee.

"IT IS HOPED THAT THIS STUDY WILL STIMULATE FURTHER
INVESTIGATION IN THIS FIELD"...
I am pleased to feed you bullshit.'

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY - We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE - We don't pay enough to expect that
you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys
wear earrings.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED - You'll be six months behind
schedule on your first day.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED - Some time each night and some time
each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL - We have no quality control.

CAREER-MINDED - Female applicants must be childless (and
remain that way).

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE - We've filled the job; our call for
resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE -
You'll need it to replace three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST - You're walking into a
company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the
responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS - Management communicates, you
listen, figure out what they want and do it.

The time is 1942 and the Germans are currently in control of France.
In the city of Paris a small convent of nuns is being raided by German soldiers.
Now these men, they had been marching for days and it had been a long time since they had set eyes on a female figure.
They had decided it was time to take a rest and enjoy the women before finishing the raid.
One of the nuns, upon the sight of what was to happen, told the germans soldiers to spare the Mother Superior of the convent.
"Please sir, our Mother Superior is 80 years old! She will not be able to withstand such brutal actions. Spare her, I beg of you!"
Hearing this the old Mother Superior lifted up her skirt in enthusiasm and shouted:
- NO, NO, NO!! War is war! Either everybody suffers from it or nobody does!

Three male Labrador retrievers, one brown, one yellow

and one black, were sitting in the waiting room at the

vet's surgery when they struck up a conversation.



The black lab turned to the brown and said, "So why

are you here?"



The brown lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on

everything --the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the

kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed

in the middle of my owner's bed."



The black lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"



Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the brown

lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."



The black lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked,

"Why are you here?"



The yellow lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under

fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the

hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But

I went over the line last night when I dug a great big

hole in my owner's couch."



So what are they going to do to you?" the black lab

inquired.



"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too." The dejected

yellow lab said.



The yellow lab then turned to the black lab and asked,

"Why are you here?"



I'm a humper," the black lab said. "I'll hump

anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table,

postboxes, whatever. I want to hump everything I see."

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and

was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't

help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping

away".



The yellow and brown labs exchanged a sad glance and

said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"



The black lab said.... "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

1. Your potted plants stay alive.
2. Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6am is when you get up, not when you go to sleep.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You carry an umbrella. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hooking up and breaking up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to seven.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those darn kids next door don't know how to turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6pm.
17. Dinner and a movie - the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. MTV News is no longer your primary source for information.
19. You go to the drugstore for Ibuprofen and antacids, not condoms and pregnancy test kits.
20. A $4 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast foods at breakfast time.
22. Grocery lists include more than macaroni and cheese, Diet Pepsi, and King Dons.
23. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again."
24. More than 90 percent of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
25. You don't drink at home to save money before going to a bar.